Advent 5

I wish this just made sense,
I have no words, no way to see.
I’ve know this girl all of my life,
Our future knotted together,
when we were still young.
At first the anger rose!
We had a job to do,
to carry the family name,
our place in the community.
The skills we have,
passed down by father’s father,
and the many who went before.
Our lives shaped
and set in motion by our ancestors.
We were content,
We knew our place.
We learned to love.
Some dreamt of the city,
of golden temples and stone streets,
Of rich food and flowing wine,
Of priests and kings,
colour and culture,
music and games,
endless markets selling beauty.
Not us, we were happy here,
happy with all we knew and had.
And then this!
But I can’t reside in anger.
I made a promise, we are promised.
I know that this means something,
I know I have to stay.
It doesn’t mean I understand,
It doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt.
I do, it burns and tears me deep inside.
I see them looking,
they don’t yet know, but I do!
Yes, I know, but I wonder if I dream?
It feels like someone else’s life,
Someone else’s story,
all mixed and messed up in mine.
I saw the question in my mother’s eyes,
the shame deep in my Father’s.
They, like me had no words,
No way to grasp what lies before us.
They gave me options,
A way out of what had always been.
But I can’t do that!
I can’t leave her.
I love her.
I love her.
So much! Too much?
It doesn’t really matter!
My future is not my own,
My future will be formed in her.
Then the world turned,
She said it’s God,
That the baby is important!
How can I know!
But look at her! She shines!
The way she looks at me,
With hope, joy and, yes with love!
How can I stand in anger?
I love her.
I love her.
I promised, we are promised.
I will not make her face this alone!
I love her.
I love her.
That is all I know! Now I must sleep.

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