Advent 31

If I look it feels like the whole place is spinning,
everyone is so busy,
I cant look! I sit and try not to look.
I am scared.
I try not to see.
I try not to think.
If I think I can feel the wave begin to build,
I can hear it,
I know if I let it it will smash into the illusion,
I know that it will wash away the walls I’ve built,
I know they will crumble and truth will crash through,
and they will see.
I am scared.
If I look, I will see their joy,
the way they look at me in expectation,
and I will have to smile, even laugh.
and I will break.
The fear of what is coming and the loss of what was,
will rush and pound and pour through the cracks,
and they will see.
I am scared.
I know if I dont look I can hold on,
I know I can keep it together,
I know it will be over soon,
but right now I am scared.
I feel loved and I am seen,
some know,
some understand,
some look at me and I know they see,
I can’t look, I can’t catch their eye.
I am scared.
Very soon everything will be different,
but knowing that is no comfort.
I know I am blessed, I believe.
I heard the words, I joined the song,
but now it gets close, and,
I am scared.
I am so scared.